The Luxor: A Useless Las Vegas Hotel Review

Once upon a time, the Luxor had a pretty cool Egyptian theme, but it seems "nondescript" is the new "theme" in Vegas...so they've purged a lot of the Egyptian stuff. Too bad... Vegas could actually use a little more imagination these days.

About the Luxor

The rooms in the Luxor are located in two buildings. The first is the pyramid itself - to get to your room, you have to ride an "inclinator", which is basically an elevator that moves diagonally instead of straight up. If you smack your head on the slanted window while trying to look down, the bellhop will only snicker a little. The outside walls of the rooms are also slanted, which takes away from the fact that they're actually larger-than-average sized rooms as far as the Strip goes.

The decor in the pyramid rooms is okay, but nothing to write home about - the Egyptian theme isn't really evident. You won't feel like you've just been entombed by Queen Nefertiti's henchmen, though, so maybe that's a good thing.

The second building is a tower that contains, unimaginatively, the "tower rooms". No slanted walls here, but the bathrooms are bigger, and have tubs instead of just stand-up showers. They're just a bit nicer than the pyramid rooms, so if you don't mind a longer walk to the casino, you might opt to stay in the tower.

Oh yeah... there are also pyramid "suites" that come with their own private jacuzzis, so after you've blown all your money, you can still come back and pass out in luxury.

You get the standard stuff with your Luxor room - shampoo, conditioner, lotion. You won't have an excuse to head to the casino smelling bad, but you probably won't feel radiant, either.

The pool is decent, if not magnificent, with some palm trees and a lot of concrete. Don't try to sneak in if you're not staying here, though, or Ammut will be snacking on your heart within the hour. I hear he's not getting much work these days.

Who Stays at the Luxor?

Mostly middle-aged midwesterners, with some young'ns from Cali thrown in trying to impress each other. Don't be surprised to find some twenty-somethings wandering aimlessly about the casino, trying to figure out why their girlfriends made them get all gussied up.

How About Entertainment?

Well, first off, there's Carrot Top. If you love prop comedy like I don't, you'll really dig his show. Don't worry, the rest of us will try not to point and laugh at you.

Then, there's the long-awaited Believe, the product of an unsteady relationship between Cirque du Soliel and knucklehead magician Criss Angel. I hear this turned out pretty lame by Cirque standards... but since they spent millions producing the thing, I doubt it will go away anytime soon.

If it's boobs you want, swing by Fantasy, Luxor's topless show. It's reputed to be one of the better adult revues on the Strip, and a bit less pricy than most. That means you might have some scratch left over to treat your girl to a spa treatment after she finds out you bought tickets to this knockerfest.

Liquidity is Luxor's trendy casino bar - keep in mind that the bartenders here expect you to dress up for the privilege of paying $12 for a cocktail. So leave the sweatpants in your suitcase, Cedric.

What else - oh, there's LAX, the obligatory ultra-lounge. If dropping a wad of cash so you can get into an "exclusive" club is your thing, you'll feel right at home here. You can sip overpriced drinks with your wonderfully airbrushed date, while you think about the poor schlubs standing outside the velvet rope.

What about Restaurants?

Yes, and lots of them. First off, there's More - The Buffet. As the name suggests, it has just what buffet enthusiasts love - endless rows of mediocre food. If you demand variety from your stretches of steam trays, this is the place for you.

Then there's Tender Steak and Seafood. I'll admit that since I'm a vegetarian, I don't have first-hand experience with this joint... but it rates pretty well among carnivores, and people who love them. It's not as pricey as the Eiffel Tour Restaurant over at Paris, but you'll still wince when the check comes.

For "new Chinese cuisine" (whatever that is), there's Fusia, a pricy restaurant that offers things like twice-cooked duck (cooking a duck only once is so "old Chinese cuisine") and calamari. The desserts are spectacular.

There's a Mexican joint, "Tacos and Tequila", that boasts a "minimalist" setting. We figured that meant you had to eat off the floor, so we were relieved to find out there are indeed tables and chairs. Decent food, but not worth the downright silly prices.

The CatHouse is a bar/restaurant that's supposed to look like a brothel. I don't know how many real brothels have miles of red velvet and padded doors, but since most of us have never actually been to one, I suppose we'll have to take their word for it. The fare is ribeyes, seafood, surf and turf - the standard "gourmet" stuff. After dark, it transforms into yet another ultra-lounge.

If you're looking for familiar (read: boring) American comfort food, there are several options at the Luxor - Company American Bistro, Burger Bar, and Backstage Deli - that serve up dishes your grandmother would approve of.

Finally, if you get a hankering for the same old crap you can get at home, there's a food court with a Quizno's, McDonalds, Little Caesar's, Nathan's, and (just like everywhere else) a Starbucks.

Casino Tidbits

Luxor has all the usual table games - Pai Gow, blackjack, Let it Ride. Nothing earth-shattering here, but if you can find your way around the casino, it's not a bad place to play.

You'll usually find $10-15 minimums at most tables, except on weekend nights, when minimums go up to $25. Single-zero roulette has a $25 minimum any time of the week.

There are tons of slots from five cents to $100 and up. You'll also find plenty of crappy video poker, in case playing against human gamblers makes you too weak-kneed.

Cocktails tend to come fast and strong unless you're playing the cheap slots. Tip your cocktail waitress well, and she'll make sure you're sufficiently blotto to forget how much cash you lost to the one-armed bandit.

Otherwise, comps are mediocre at the Luxor. If you bet $50 for hours on end, you can usually get the casino rate. If you want the Luxor to pay for your room, though, you'd better be throwing lots of black chips on the felt.

Anything Else I Need to Know?

Well, the Luxor is on the South end of the strip, in a pain-in-the-butt location. There's a shuttle that connects it with Mandalay Bay to the south and Excalibur to the North, but the shuttle schedule is a bit unpredictable. If you want to take the monorail to the other areas of the Strip, you can walk through Excalibur, across Las Vegas Blvd., across Tropicana Ave., and all the way through MGM Grand. It's about a 15 minute hike.

Otherwise, you can take a taxi, or explore the Strip on foot. Keep in mind that you can see the Stratosphere from here... but that doesn't mean it's a quick walk. You can get there in about 12 weeks.